Category Archives: I swear I’m going to start blogging again

I promised

The hub and I, whilst walking the dogs, have a conversation about careers and what we wanted to do when we grew up.

Me: I should have become a psychologist. I’d still really like to do that.
Him: Oh yeah, you’d probably be really good at that, because crazy people understand other …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: I’m so posting this on Facebook.
Him: No, please don’t.

OK honey.

Advertisements

you people are slackers

Jeez, my last post was on August 20, and here it is almost Christmas. Where have you people been? Well, while I was being too lazy to blog you people were gone, all kinds of crazy shit has gone down. Like, I have lost another 20+ pounds and am back down to a relatively normal weight for the first time in years. Also, probably not unrelated to that, I have actually completed a 5K. I can actually run slog 3.1 uninterrupted miles. In fact, I have even moved on to the Bridge to 10K program, which I estimate I should complete just prior to the end of the world in 2012, which is good because I’ll be able to run from the zombies. Also, Mollie has learned to walk perfectly on a leash and never jumps on my houseguests, and Savannah has overcome her fear of everything and battles dragons in her spare time.

OK, those last two things are not true, although possibly more believable than me voluntarily running 6 miles.

But seriously, it’s all about Weight Watchers, which I have been following and abandoning since 1997. Ironically, when I first started the program I weighed about what I do now. Of course I was  – wait, where’s my calculator? – much younger then. But even then I didn’t stick with it long enough to make Lifetime, which is a shame because it probably would have saved enough money over the years that I wouldn’t have to work now. This time, though, I am going to do it. Why? Because my husband is making me. Seriously – he is absolutely dead set that we see things through to the bitter end and get that Lifetime membership. Of course, he’s two pounds away from goal and will probably make Lifetime before the end of January, having had 60 pounds to lose to my 50. I have 10 pounds to go, which means that I might have to receive my Lifetime membership while running from the zombie apocalypse. Because that, my friends, is the difference between men and women. “Fair” is not part of the game.

So speaking of WW, they rolled out new program a couple of weeks ago, which is “revolutionary” and “completely revisits the science of weight loss.” Cool. So of course, this has meeting members freaking out. You’d think someone told them that steak is now made from chinchillas and they can only eat it while riding unicorns on Thursdays. And this is why I hate going to meetings. Because people are stupid. See that book on your lap? It is just FILLED with answers. It was printed and given to you because it contains the information you need, not because the tree population was getting out of control. You don’t have to keep asking the meeting leader how the points have changed for <insert every food item in the known universe here>. And to the lady who spent half the meeting asking various questions about KFC? Your first step to success on Weight Watchers might be STAYING THE HELL AWAY FROM KFC. Just a thought.

You people will be shocked to learn that my intolerance of stupidity has not changed at all while you were gone. And good lord, there’s a lot of stupid in this world.

bringin’ it back

I’m bringing back the blog. I have moved it, and I have changed the name. Because the thing is, it’s not enough just to have a blog for your own sake and the entertainment of two or three friends. No, if you want to be taken seriously as a freelance writer you have to have a blog. It is, apparently, the one thing that is more important than anything else – grammar skills, an AP guide, most of the fingers on your left hand – none of that matters if you don’t have a blog. And then you have to monetize it. Monetize. Who used this word in conjunction with personal writing before this decade? People wrote all kinds of things–books, journals, epistles, manifestos–but it was paid or unpaid. Now it’s all like, proactive. And for the record, “proactive” is one of my most-hated words in the English language. (“Tender” is another. There are more, but we’ll save them for another time when I can’t think of anything else to write about).

So anyway. I had to rename the blog, because the old name, “Chocolate, Wine and Xanax” – well, it wasn’t something I could safely monetize. It was, however, a great SEO name. Do you know how many people searched for some combination of the words “chocolate, wine and xanax”? Let’s just say there are a a lot of people seeking third-party assistance out there. I was just a little worried that it could be taken out of context. And by “out of context” I mean, “cost me a job because someone thinks I’m nuts.” And not in a good way.

For the record, I’m no more nuts than you are.

Now, please excuse me while I go find the perfect look for my blog. I’m going to try on every WordPress theme I can find, which is almost more fun than shopping because my blog does not have an ass the size of a beach ball and everything looks good on it.

I love my blog already.

my dog ate my ottoman and I am a geek; or, an update of what’s been happening for the last three weeks

Right, so I’ve sadly neglected the blog again. And I don’t really have what you might call good reasons. But I have my reasons, and I say they’re good, so they’re going to have to do.

Well, first of all on May 8 we had possibly the most important event of the year: The premiere of Star Trek. Yes, I saw it on opening weekend. Twice. Once in IMAX, once not. Then we decided that was not nearly geeky enough, so we went and saw it in IMAX at Kennedy Space Center. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, and it was totally bad-ass.

I loved the movie, by the way. I wasn’t sure I would. When I first heard they were recasting the crew I was like, blasphemy! And I wasn’t alone – I’m sure poor Gene Roddenberry’s grave was rattling with the outcry of the Trekkies. And then the re-imagining of the timeline? We were clutching our stuffed Tribbles and crying for mommy. But somehow, it worked. I don’t know if I’m completely sold that this whole parallel timeline exists, and that it wasn’t just a movie – but my mind is open. And I’ll totally buy the DVD. If my dog hasn’t eaten all my DVD remotes by the time it comes out of course.

Mollie’s appetite for all things inedible is the other major event of the month. All of a sudden the terrible twos hit and nothing was off limits. She started the path of destruction by eating our Ketubah – the ridiculously expensive piece of pretty paper we signed at our wedding, the one Barry swears says in Hebrew that I vow subservience to him throughout our marriage. Silly boy – he’s got his Hebrew pronouns switched around again, and is confused about who has vowed subservience to whom. Regardless, though, it is now a very pretty, expensive contract that is missing a corner. I’ve never seen Barry so pissed. Mollie then moved on to pencils, silk plants, hats, mirrors and Wii controlers. She even went in to get spayed this week and I thought that might settle her down a bit – but no. Last night she ate the ottoman, which was pretty much the last straw. We went garage sale-ing this morning, searching for a bigger kennel for her – and miraculously we found one. I’m always amazed when you find exactly what you’re looking for at these things – it’s the second time it’s happened. It’s like the Room of Requirement popping up for me (more geek talk). So for $25 we got a giant Mollie holder. I wonder how long it’ll take her to eat it.

And my final event of the month – oh wait, we celebrated our first anniversary this month too, I almost forgot. Yep – Barry has officially broken his record for longest marriage. Didn’t do a lot to celebrate, just went to the beach and then lunch at the hotel where we got married. Nice.

And then I went to Vegas – which means of course I had to go visit all my favorite foods. You’ll notice nothing about my diet in this entry. I’ll work on that next month.