Category Archives: I need better hobbies

when my husband works at night, the Internet must suffer

When you watch TV by yourself, a lot of snark gets pent up. I have to let it out. This may be the first in a series. Or not.

You know the Vagisil commercial, with the line that goes something like, “I learned the hard way that not all feminine products fight odor the same”? What is the easy way to learn that?

It bugs me in Jurassic Park, when Sam Neill is explaining how birds are descended from velociraptors, he goes through the physical similarities and then says “even their name, raptor, means bird of prey.” Circular reasoning, doc – they were named that because of all the similarities to birds – no one dug up a skeleton with a label on it that said Hello, My Name is Velociraptor. I get that it was exposition for the audience’s sake, but still. It’s dumb.

To Michael Landon: Someday Little House on the Prairie will be on for three hours every day instead of just once a week, and people will see the entire nine seasons over the course of a couple of months and notice there were only four guest stars and six plotlines over the entire run of the series. Also, you wouldn’t know continuity if it bit you in your giant schlong – dude, EITHER ALBERT BECAME A DOCTOR OR HE DIED. You can’t have it both ways. I still love your show and I’m sorry you’re dead.

I ended up sort of watching Outrageous Kid Parties because it was on after Toddlers and Tiaras, which is always so snark-worthy that nothing in particular stuck out tonight. But anyway, to the ice cream truck driver throwing an ’80s-themed party: You’re spending your entire annual salary to throw a party “for your kids” because you want to recapture your lost youth, and possibly your lost waistline, neither of which is going to happen. We all miss the 80s, get over it. Also, the only thing your kids are going to remember is that the whole neighborhood thinks you’re batshit.

And to the mom who named her kid Maverick. Ummm – did you miss the scene where Tom Cruise explains that’s a nickname? Or do you really just hate your kid?

Oh, but thank you, lord, for TLC. It’s like going to a Wal-Mart in Bithlo on a day when there’s a swap meet, church and a race, and there’s a fried chicken special in the deli.

little underachiever on the prairie

I have come to the sad realization that the reason I am not super-successful and famous is not that I don’t have the talent or ability or ideas to become so. I have all of those things.  I just don’t have them in time. Other people have great ideas about things I love and I see them and am all, damn! Why didn’t I do that? I TOTALLY could have done that and made money and have an entire career based off of my weird obsessions.

Case in point: Wendy McClure. I first discovered her (I thought, anyway) as HalfPintIngalls on Twitter. Yep. Brilliant, right? She tweets as Laura Ingalls Wilder. A fun, snarky Laura. Probably like Laura would have been if they’d had Twitter on the prairie. So digging in further, I find that Wendy is not only having fun with the tweets, she has an entire book coming out, based on her obsession with the Little House books. She’s done every geeky thing I’ve ever dreamed about doing. She’s retraced the Ingalls’ path. She’s gone to all the houses, museums and pageants. She’s even recreated all the bizarre things I read about in those books – green pumpkin pie? Maple-syrup-on-snow candy?  She did these things. She wrote a book. She’s making money off of her obsession with Little House. She has a freaking book tour. I could have done all that. But the thought never even crossed my mind that Little House was a career path.

Not. Fair.

And then? I look a little further. Wendy McClure is also the genius behind the Weight Watchers Recipes from 1974 page.

I could have done that. Hell, I know Weight Watchers better than I know Little House, and those old recipe cards are just screaming to be made fun of. But it never would have occurred to me. And that’s the problem. You see these things after the fact, and you realize if you’d just thought of it first, it could have been you. But that’s really hard. Having the talent, having the knowledge – that’s one thing. But how the hell do you make yourself think of good ideas first?

Don’t even get me started on BronxZoosCobra.