just don’t ask me to explain Facebook

Because blogging is hard and coming up with ideas is hard and finding time to do stuff is hard, I signed up for Plinky, which “makes it easy to create inspired content.” Or, you know, takes the “creative” out of “creativity” and knocks one excuse off my list. Anyway, I’m not sure about “inspired,” but one of the prompts seemed like it might be good for a laugh, so I bring you “things I wish I could tell my 16-year-old self.”

1. You will never again weigh less than you do now, and in fact you will spend the rest of your life trying to get back to this weight. You will speak often, in a tone filled with nostalgia and longing, of the time you weighed less than 120. I know it seems depressing that you’re not a size 5, but before you know it you’ll be wearing even-numbered clothes anyway and the Juniors department will be a place you have no right to set foot in. So put on those size 7 LA Gear jeans with your Outback Red pseudo-polo and matching socks, and work it.

2. Stop getting perms. You will be amazed to learn, should you do this, that your hair looks EXACTLY THE SAME. In the future, you will spend an inordinate amount of time trying to make your hair straight. Embrace the fact that your natural hair type was designed specifically for the 1980s.

3. Go to the drugstore and ask them for “tweezers.” They’ll know what you’re talking about. Buy them. Use them on your eyebrows frequently and with great vigor.

4. The marriage of any member of Duran Duran will not cause your life to end.

5. Neither member of Wham! will ever reciprocate your feelings, but you have better odds with Andrew Ridgely.

6. General Hospital will still be on the air 20 years from now, and the storylines will be exactly the same. Step away from the TV and enjoy some extracurricular activities. You won’t miss anything.

7. Start thinking about what you want to do when you grow up. Seriously. Those tests they’re giving you aren’t just to kill time. By the time you’re 5 years or so into college someone is going to start demanding that you graduate and you’re going to find yourself scrambling for matching credit hours to find what you can get a degree in. You will therefore end up with an English degree that is the result of nothing more than some bizarre game of Concentration. After a year of working in retail you will start asking for a do-over, which will result in graduate school, and eventually a career that is little more than a random accident. Don’t let this happen. Suck it up and ASK where the guidance counselor’s office is.

8. When you can’t decide whether to buy the tape or the record — buy the record. They’ll both be relics in 10 years, but records will be cooler and possibly worth more money.

9. You will not remember one iota of what you learned in any of your math classes. Also, you will never actually figure out what a gerund is. On the other hand, Brutus’ funeral speech and that line from Antigone will take up space in your head forever, and you will kick some serious ass at haiku-writing. None of these things will have any real impact on your life one way or the other.

10. You can stop holding your breath waiting for the Mets to repeat that World Series win. Just sayin’.

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