dear alumni association, save-the-manatee, humane society, et al

Hi (insert name of whoever is asking me for money today here),

All of you who send me pleas for money, I want you to know that I really am a nice person. UCF, I appreciate that you gave me that education and in return all you asked was thousands of dollars of my my parents’ money. Ditto to you, UWF.

Animal associations – I really appreciate all you do for the critters of the world. Manatees are one of my favorite causes, you know that, and in the past I’ve given you my money AND my time (and don’t be jealous that I don’t use your license plate anymore – the sea turtle one matched my car better). Humane Society, I totally use the calendar you sent me. Ocean Conservancy, I’d for sure use your address labels if you’d spelled my name right. Nature Conservancy, even though you didn’t hire me I think what you do is great. And maybe if you’d hired me then I wouldn’t be unemployed right now and I could donate.

And that’s kind of the crux of the problem. See, I totally appreciate you guys and recognize how heartfelt and individualized each plea for money is. But the deal is this – I don’t really have what you might call “steady income” right now. So my priority isn’t so much on giving to charity right now as much as it is not becoming charity. I get that there are many who are worse off than I am – but it’s kinda my goal not to become one of them. So Humane Society, I hope you understand that by continuing to feed my adopted dog I am doing the best I can for the pets of the world. Ocean Conservancy, I swear I only eat responsibly caught fish (uh, the generic canned tuna is the responsible kind, right?) UCF and UWF, I am putting your name out there every day on my resume as the excellent educational institutions that made me what I am today, and really, isn’t that kind of marketing worth more than my $35? And you don’t even have to send me a water bottle or decorative seat cover or anything.

Uh, but Nature Conservancy? Yeah, I changed my mind, you can kiss my ass.

Thanks for understanding, guys. I promise when I’m back in the black, you’re totally on my list of “people to give money to.”


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