parenthood

So for all of you who are LYAO (that’s laughing your asses off, for the internet-challenged of you) at the thought of me as a puppy parent – well, keep on laughing. You are all as purely right as you thought you would be. I love this freaking dog to a ridiculous extent (I actually picked her up during a walk because there was a vulture circling us. Because in my deluded parental brain it became an eagle who was going to swoop down and pick her up. I know, I know … ).

Mostly, though, it’s been a lot of joy having Savannah Jane, or Savannah banana, or punkin, or monkey butt – whatever the nickname du jour may be – in our lives. But I have to admit that last night I completely lost my shit.

She was doing her psycho puppy routine, where she runs circles around the coffee table for a while, then growls incessently at her blanket, then runs again. She usually does this for about 5 minutes before tiring herself out. But last night – I dunno what kind of crack was in her puppy chow, but she went on for 20 minutes at a stretch, chilled for 5 minutes, and was back at it. Now unfortunately, I was raised with a fear of dogs, which I’ve tried hard to get past but it’s still there a little bit. So when she’s jumping and running and growling, and doing the normal puppy nipping stuff that we’re trying to curb, she admittedly makes a part of me nervous, as irrational as Barry tries to tell me it is, that this is just normal puppy fun. But last night Barry was in the office on his computer so I was alone with pyscho puppy, who is wanting me to play with her because her regular playmate wasn’t there. After about 3 jumps and attempted nips I started screaming at her in a voice I don’t think I’ve used since I was a teenager, yelling at my parents (OK, according to various reports I may have used this voice on my wedding day). Barry comes out all concerned, and suggests (jokingly, I hope) that maybe we could give her a little nip of xanax. I objected – for her. I thought it sounded like a good idea for me though.

We’re starting puppy school on Saturday. I can’t wait. I hope they serve wine. For all of you who say puppies are a gateway drug to kids, I say HELL to the NO WAY NO HOW NOT A CHANCE. If I thought I didn’t want kids before, I’m sure of it now. Not enough xanax in the world.

I do wuv my wittle puppy wuppy though.

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